| Ball-Bag Academy of Defense Inc.
P.O. Box 3794
Acushnet, MA 02743
Dear most valued friend,
If you have received this letter, it is either because you requested information from us or you were HAND SELECTED by our elite intelligence team. Maybe you've seen a few vehicles that seemed out of place lately? Perhaps they were following you or maybe "staking out" your home? Did you ever stop to think that there is nobody around to protect you and your loved ones BUT you? Letâ€™s face it, with all of the chaos going on these days, 911 is a joke. The police are in way over their heads swamped with callsâ€¦youâ€™d be lucky if they even showed up to a murder scene! Have you ever thought: â€œIâ€™ve had enough of being afraid, being a poserâ€¦a phony!â€ ? I want to be SOMEBODY from now on! Have you ever dreamed of the respect and POWER that you would command if you just had the skills and special knowledge that only elite, top-level government agents and elite commandos are armed with? Well the dreaming is over my friend, with Ball- Bag Bail Academy of Defense Inc.'s NEW American Defense Agent course, YOU too can learn the skills necessary to join the ranks of the elite, the few, the proud...The Ball-Bag Blue Team!
"That's nice" you say, but what will I learn at Ball-Bag Academy of Defense Inc.? Well, as we stated above our world famous intelligence teams have been keeping tabs on you for some time and HAND SELECTED you. This is directly due to your extraordinary aptitude and work ethic, so rest assured that we will teach you every last trick in the book and then some. Because you are on our special SECRET Blue Ball List, no punches will be pulled, no stone unturned...no SECRETS held back! These are the very secrets that could be the only thing making the difference between you being the triumphant survivor or being taken away on the meat wagon. Due to the nature and inherent danger of our trade, we cannot even begin to scratch the surface here when describing the many, many ingenious methods, techniques and tricks that we guard jealously here at Ball Bag Inc. but here's a list of some of the UNCLASSIFIED things that we teach:
Â· How to sneak up on your subject, just like a nasty, down in the dirt, â€œbeen there, done thatâ€ NAM VET!
Â· Why you should ALWAYS KILL your subject if you pull out your gun. (Even Police are still just beginning to learn about this valuable and lifesaving legal loophole.)
Â· How to scare a subject out of hiding, even if he has a whole STATE
Covering up for him! (Hint, the water company and towns folk will not be
happy about this but they will thank you for it later).
Â· The long forgotten and brutal Viking way to burn crops and livestock to add a little "extra juiceâ€ when rousting a low down, slime-bag subject.
Â· Vanquish your enemy with cobra-like strikes that cannot be defended against, no matter how â€œbig and toughâ€ he may be. (Even a 90 pound weakling can devastate a 250 pound steroid monster with these secret moves!)
Â· How to use a FIRE HOSE (Yes, we laughed too, until we SAW the devastating results!) to clear out an entire housing project. Watch them fly away and scatter like roaches! Attached to walls in all government housing, theyâ€™re literally HANDING you the means to win! Trust me, you may think you know how to do this, but there's a trick to it that only we at Ball Bag Inc. can teach properly.
Â· How to be INVINCIBLE! The long lost secrets to fearing NO MAN, the power to subdue or if necessary...even KILL with you bare hands...even just your MIND! Imagine the surprise and look of sheer horror on the faces of your enemies when you remove their livers by just looking at them, even if tied up and duct taped! Itâ€™s fool proof and easy... and you'll learn it here at Ball Bag Inc.
Â· The intricate details on properly dishing out the devastating prostate punch. (Itâ€™s not done from the front, and give â€œinternal martial artsâ€ a whole new meaning! His girlfriend will hate you for it!)
Â· How and more importantly WHEN to use the ancient and deadly monkey steals the peach maneuver. You may have seen the low quality variations of this out there, but trust meâ€¦you are missing out on the details that vamp it up from â€œjust another moveâ€ to a world class killer elite move!
Â· How to know when you have the proper grip and leverage to pull a nasty rapistâ€™s scrotum over his head like a bathing cap. Play in dark alleys or even federal prison with confidence knowing that you cannot be raped or mugged ever! Even if there are 39 people trying to burrow balls-deep in your ass, you will react with an eerie calm and precision that will take the fight right out of any attacker or would-be booty pirate!
Â· The correct angle and position of your index finger when doing the secret â€œDig for Goldâ€ move, that will make your opponent literally soil himself! Hint: He may be walking real funny after thisâ€¦bust out the K-Y!
Â· The little known method of how to punch someone with your teeth! Impossible to defend against, cut him to ribbons with impunity as he curls up in a little ball screaming and BEGGING for mercy! I promise that heâ€™s never seen THIS move before. Before this course, only a select few Navy SEALs and Delta commandos were privy to this amazing knowledge!
Â· The ultra-secret ancient Arab-Jelq methods of lengthening and thickening a certain portion of your anatomy so you can use it as an improvised flail-mace. Never walk into a pub unarmed ever again! Plus, just imagine the fringe benefits of being a â€œlady killerâ€ out in the singles barsâ€¦your social standing will rocket out of this world!!!
Â· There is so much, much more to the course and we can't even begin to divulge the REAL SECRETS that you will learn here at our elite academy.
Just imagine how it will feel to walk with the confidence in knowing that you cannot be stopped, and you can always "get your man" on the street. You will feel a surge of power, nay...of DIVINITY when you look in the eyes of hardened, tough as nails ex-cons, and they quiver and FLEE from you just because you decided to turn the juice on and stare them down! Imagine how good it will feel when your friends look at the frame on your wall in AWE, just wishing that they could've had the guts to earn the coveted Ball-Bag Blue Team certificate with an official seal stamped right on it for all the world to see! People will nod in understanding as they realize and see the proof that you are a real walk tall, kick ass, hardcore killer type of guy. Many people will want to be your friends, and many more others will fear you and shun you. It is not a life that I wish upon just anybody....you must be able to handle this part. It is a lonely position of responsibility to be a master of these skills. However, once you start your own team, youâ€™ll be making piles and piles of money doing the job that YOU LOVE... protecting your fellow citizens and kicking the living shit out of miscreants and social deviants. You work hard, you DESERVE to treat yourself to the BEST!
Sign up now and I'll knock .00 off the tuition, dropping the price down to a ridiculously CHEAP ,000.00!!! I must be out of my MIND to offer such a foolishly low price, but after all that has been going on in this country lately, I realized that everyday working class people just like you and me NEED these skills to augment our government's elite troops and officers. Your fellow citizens, innocent women and children are hoping and praying that you have the balls to take on this awesome responsibility to protect them. It is your duty as an American, and as a man to safeguard the very people who rely on you. If you pass this opportunity up, you might as well just hang up your hat and forever hang your head in shame for being such a pussy-boy wannabe that canâ€™t hang with the big dogs. If you want to be a real player, a man that people look up to, respect, and FEAR, then you owe it to yourself, your loved ones, and your entire country to accept this most generous offer. The government is already knocking at my door, trying to get me to remove this course from the academy, in they may ultimately succeed in doing so. Don't delay, sign up now, ... this may be the LAST course like this ever held in the world, unless you happened to be a top secret government agent or elite, hand selected soldier. (Even only a very few SEALs and Delta Force Commandos can only HOPE to learn a small portion of this knowledge that we are literally HANDING to you!)
So, what are you waiting for? Sign up now, and feel what it is like to be part of the ELITE, the Ball-Bag Blue Team!
Operators are standing by, just be sure to use the code 8X119 when speaking to her, otherwise she will not know what you're talking about. Yes, it is SO secret, that we donâ€™t mention anything about the nature of this course to our operators. They are kept out of the loop for their own protection. Remember the SECRET code 8X119.
Have your credit card ready and call to reserve your spot in the Aug. 29th class now!!! Space is limited, only seven slots left!
Pay online, click the link below!
Or send check or money order to:
Ball-Bag Academy of Defense Inc., P.O. Box 3794
Acushnet, MA 02743
|Protect! Defend! Preserve the Freedom of Our Land!
Please note: Ball Bag is for entertainment purposes only. The phone number is fake and so is the mailing address, so don't actually believe this clown suit operation...because it DOESN'T really exist! If you would still like to send me the 4,000.00 just out of the kindness of your heart, you are more than welcome to do so! Just send me an email (the email address DOES work) and we can work out the details! --- Douglas Hemmens III
|I personally guarantee that the curriculum here at the Ball-Bag Academy is the most up to date and devastating SECRET knowledge on the planet. You have my word on it, --- Doug Hemmens III
Douglas Hemmens III, President of Ball Bag Academy of Defense Inc.
August 29th Class Filling Up Fast!
Hurry hurry! The August class is filling up fast! There are only seven slots left and the government has is trying to shut this particular course down for good! Apparently "they" don't think that hard-working, REAL patriot Americans you me and you deserve to have the opportunity to learn these skills. I yelled "Hell no! I'm going through with the course anyway...you'll have to come here in person and shut me down!" I'll hold out as long as I can for you and your fellow, red-blooded citizens but once the goverment gets here...this opportunity will be lost forever. This is YOUR chance to learn what only a SELECT handful of elite special ops soldiers and ultra-secret top level government agents know and use on a daily basis to keep our beloved country safe. Reserve your slot NOW!
The most deadly and devastating knowledge ever!!!
You deserve the best..don't settle for less! Once a Blue-Baller Agent..always a Blue-Baller! Join the elite family that is the very future of your country's safety!
Honor, Integrity, Tenacity!
Change your life for the better! You will be a hero! Don't delay, join our team today!